I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
