i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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