I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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