he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can feel your judgement through the phone
we should paint friendship bongs
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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