he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
