I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
