it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
