well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
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A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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