HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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