Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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