Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
