Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
