so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
