NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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