i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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