just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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