smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
