I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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