Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
