It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
