It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
