The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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