Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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