I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I supernannyed him into submission
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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