I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
