May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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