I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
