im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
