I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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