so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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