i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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