He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
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I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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