it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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