Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
