so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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