Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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