i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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