FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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