Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
