She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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