Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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