so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
