wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I got inside last night via doggy door
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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