if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
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Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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