I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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