all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
