he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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