i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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