Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Terrible idea I love it
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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