i'm signing you up for texting rehab
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
