i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
