just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
