Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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