you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
