Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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