at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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