I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
