my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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