I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
