I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
